Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
我要心虛。。。。虛心啲UM
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
我要哀自己嘅罪動。。。慟自己嘅葉。。。孽
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
我要溫柔啲UM。。。我滷味
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
日日都饑日日都渴嫁冧，但喺又填番滿噃，之後又饑過，大食死仔UM。。。我嘅意思喺嚮正義方面
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
我可憐你？咁有邊個可憐我呀？就喺有。哦，咁憐囉！
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
清心就得，你見我成日俾人呃就知啦！完全冇機心，連人哋咁大個機心都睇唔撮，真喺夠晒純潔。寡肉就唔喺咁易做到嘞，一DUP低頭望自己有三大塊，左邊右邊各一大塊，又鍾意佢哋個口感同味道，點寡炙？唔知清心包唔包心水清嫁呢？如果包就俾人害都知吖嘛！
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
佢哋喺都要互片我冇計嫁噃，唔通做炸兩咩？我唔想毀容噃。靠把口唔知得唔得呢？靠手寫呢？靠手打嘞，起嘛有個打字可以兇吓佢，雖然唔喺咁直接，個電腦會受力啲，尤其嚮我激動嘅時候。仲有話明和事佬吖嘛，和事婆，得唔得嫁？
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
嘩！個天國，喺硬我。。。。。哋嫁啦！俾人逼迫到啲骨頭同個頭都就嚟逼嚦迫嘞咁響UM！
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
嚟啦！COME ON BABY！冇肉。。。舞肉。。。侮辱我啦，盡情咁侮！！！千祈唔好留手呀！侮辱完就同我單聲，我會帶住燦爛嘅笑容跑跳步咁去嶺獎嫁喇！
13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
呢樣唔使同我擔心，我份人一騮都頗鹹嘅，啲鹹味水洗都唔清UM。您唔攞我嚟醃嘢，掟我撮條路度溶冰，或者肚餓想利用我將啲雪藏雞牛豬肉快啲解凍，順便醃埋，再煮，都得。調和又得，吊味又得，我哋呢篤鹽，唔好氣餒，繼續KEEP住有味，繼續采佢，都。
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
我哋應該繼續做電燈膽，上帝做電源，照亮整個地球。等人冇得又或者唔好意思咿唈，嚮唔應該嘅情況之下因為咿唈而自責，等佢哋見到我哋嘅好行為。。。扯。。。咩咁巴閉炙。。。我哋。。。啲光同行為。。。咪又喺靠上帝，如果冇咗上帝人哋識我喺老鼠！UM！
17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
等我都練習吓先。。。啲誡命，練習完再話個您聽。。。身教吖嘛！襯我個人，同把口，都仲在生！
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
嘩！咁我年中都要被審判好多嘢吓噃！不過我通常唔會鬧佢蠢材，因為唔夠IN，我會。。。。。或者。。。。有時。。。叫佢嚮條街度摜一摜。。。咁囉。。。。喺女人咪話佢喺八卦嘅阿婆。。。咁樣囉。。。又或者話佢中咗毒囉。。。嚮陰間。。。喺囉，我需要耶穌囉，唔喺就變燒豬囉！
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
喂，你嬲我又好我嬲你又好，生口（最緊要劉生口）淥住麵拆掂佢嘞，你間屋，嚮。(到咗)嗱嗱聲，我趕住返去奉佢嘅獻嫁。你奉咩獻呀？粟粉牙？玻璃定蠔油呀？關你咩事炙？我有嘢唔妥你嘅，之前，費事嘥時間，依家監硬迫自己原諒你，咁你有冇唔妥我吖？有就唔該嗱嗱聲放埋佢嘞！我知你唔妥我啲咩，嗰單吖嘛，SOLLY囉！你知就好啦！迫到我要監硬嚟，原諒你！之後我仲要打。。。奉獻跟住開工嫁，俾你單嘢撠住晒，我仲使做嘢嘅？你冇嘢唔妥我啦嘛？冇我就閃嫁喇！咪住，閃之前嚟個擁抱先，來來來！多謝你監硬咁委屈咁原諒我呀吓！我同你唔喺好熟嫁咋噃。。。你有冇沖涼嫁？
25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
哦！原來呢啲就叫做庭外和解。高招呀吓，律師費都慳番，拿，聖經講價，嫁，咋！和咩和？你喺牛咩？咦（拉倒好長咁講，又帶少少童真）！唔好咁樣對人哋啦！今年牛年吖嘛，脆脆哋和咗佢未算囉，大家好來好去吖嘛！做咩要益咗啲外人律師JACK！至多俾個終生VIP會員優惠俾你囉！折上折上折囉！尼UM，唔好嬲我冧！你依家嚟買嘢免費又點話UM！一次好冧！唔喺我破產冧！離冧阿VIP！嘩！我啲毛管阿大佬！你有冇理人感受嫁？
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
我有時都會甩甩哋嫁FULLY咁，見到啲靚仔嗰陣。。。，尤其喺知道佢好有錢，好有學識，好事業有成，好信耶穌，好高大，又冇肚腩，嘅時候。。。不過咪即刻望天囉，思想上，又望吓啲雀仔扮喺米埔囉。。。雀仔？又要望番地嘞，即刻。。。唉！再望吓啲油脾囉，自己嗰隻，窮吖嘛，邊度成日有雞髀食炙？又望吓塊鏡囉！跟住咪即刻縮咗囉，連女人都會。。。不過我喺絕對唔會將自己斬件格，傻嫁咩！咁痛！受之天父、母吖嘛！嗰啲髮膚！同身體！
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
無啦啦離乜鬼婚炙？又贍養費又撫養權又剩！咁麻煩。依家呢個年代牙分分鐘個女嘅要俾個男嘅贍養費呀！事業型吖嘛，啲女性！仲有啲男人呀拖鞋飯都夠膽食呀！有咩做唔出呀？千祈唔好蝕底俾啲臭男人呀！仲蝕埋啲青春同身材，如果幫佢生咗成竇嘅話！你啲男人呀發咩癲炙？以為自己好靚仔咩？吓？拈花惹草！因住生花柳呀！你老婆唔好咩吓？至少佢已經同你聯埋成為咗一舊肉，牛扒貴啲定免治牛貴啲呀？你講！整CHEAP晒自己！仲有呀，一切開舊肉包你痛到阿媽都唔認得，仲要大出血，一半嘅血呀，你嗰啲！你嗰啲咩疾病貧窮照咩顧咩咩一生一世去咗邊呀？吓？依家只喺佢有咗啲橙皮紋姐，病得好重咩？會傳染牙？所以要隔離佢牙？吓？咪當維他命C食咗佢囉！有咩咁大不了炙？九唔答八嘅你都！姦咩淫咩炙？吟詩牙？吓？李白牙你？你白癡就有份！一條女就夠啦做男人，要三條咁多做咩炙，虛脫呀因住！一喺就守身如玉唔好結，一結就要永結！
33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
你中間嗰三隻手指好靚咩，豎起晒做乜炙？起咩誓炙？你憑咩炙？神同人哋天地做咩要俾你無啦啦要俾你未經佢同意吓拖埋落水，連咩天打雷劈都費事啦，好得閒牙佢哋？佢哋唔懲你咪俾你利用咗嚟做藉口過骨？咁你咪好着數？有嗰句講嗰句咪得囉！應承咗會做咪去做囉，你搞埋人哋落你個應承度迫人哋懲罰你做乜炙？你被虐狂牙？喺就一聲唔喺就兩聲啦！講咁Q多做咩炙。狡辯牙，攪到臭晒！俾阿惡者佢利用呀你！
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
唔好出聲，正喺令。。。咪住先，凍傷右YAAU應該會打左邊面先㗎噃，ANYWAY，總之就令埋另外一邊面俾佢啦，耶穌冇叫你出聲呀，整喺令面炙，佢打唔打埋佢選擇，睇吓佢會唔會內疚先。仲有啲舊衫唔好抌呀，佢攞你件新裇衫，俾件舊，上一期款嘅舊外套佢，唔好出聲，睇佢要唔要。人哋要你行一里，你行夠兩里，不過第二里可以試吓行相反方向，番屋企，沖個靚涼食個飯，然後瞓覺。人哋問你攞，你咪俾囉，人哋問你借嘢唔好拒絕人哋呀。（我呢啲窮人好易講呢句，因為自己都唔夠，冇嘢俾到佢，佢哋見我咁霉，問都費事問呀，嘥時間！）。。。冇呀！
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5)
愛你嘅鄰舍，其實即喺所有人。愛埋你嘅仇敵，仲要幫逼迫你嘅人祈禱。。。至於點祈。。。祈啲咩。。。心照啦！同上帝講，呢個人好需要一啲教訓，如果唔喺佢永遠唔會學好嘅，你都喺為佢好姐（記住要說服自己真喺為佢好噃，你虛偽上帝睇倒㗎噃！）！唔采佢都可以喺為咗愛佢，如果唔喺，佢以為咁樣對你喺啱咖添！用身教話俾佢聽虐待狂喺病嚟嘅！總之就要做到完美啦！唔喺點襯得起上帝呀？不過耶穌已經幫咗你同幫緊你幫緊你，聖靈都喺，如果冇佢哋你冇可能會完美㗎噃。不過耶穌已經幫咗你同幫緊你幫緊你，聖靈都喺，如果冇佢哋你冇可能會完美㗎噃。呢條路一啲都唔孤單同唔簡單。。。嫁！
